Ask Angela: Bounce Back

Have questions? Angela Haupt connects with experts and shares their words of wisdom.

Angela Haupt is a health and wellness editor at TIME. She talks with experts about problems readers are having, then writes articles to share what she learns. Here, she addresses a question about what to do when you make a mistake.

I said something awkward at school. I’m feeling embarrassed. How can I apologize?

Life is full of mistakes. Sometimes, you’re the one making them. Sometimes, it’s someone else’s turn. I spoke with etiquette experts to learn how a person can dig their way out of an awkward situation—and when they should take a few deep breaths and let it go.

Pause and consider.

After saying something you instantly regret, you might first turn red with embarrassment. Then you might feel the urge to keep talking. People often try to defend or excuse an unfortunate remark, says Karina Schumann, a social psychologist. You should put aside your need to explain yourself, she says: “Instead, think, ‘If I were on the receiving end of this, what would I need to hear?’”

Pause. Note the impact of what you said, and take responsibility. Schumann suggests phrasing it like this: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed.” Or: “I can see my joke wasn’t funny. I apologize.” Then take a breath. More words can come later.

Match your apology to the mistake.

Making a minor mistake is different from making a major error. It shouldn’t trigger the same reaction. Call someone by the wrong name? A quick “Sorry about that!” is probably enough. Make a joke that hurts someone’s feelings? That might call for more. An explanation can sometimes make what happened easier to understand, Schumann says. Lead with: “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Then ask whether an explanation would be helpful.

Resist making repeated apologies.

For a minor, accidental blunder, one sincere apology is generally enough. “The more you apologize, the more it’s about you,” Lizzie Post says. She’s copresident of the Emily Post Institute and a great-great-granddaughter of the famous etiquette expert.

The next time you meet, act normal.

When you see your friend or classmate, say hi. Don’t feel the need to bring up the mistake again. If you’ve apologized and the other person is ready to move on, follow their lead. “We all get stuff wrong from time to time,” Post says.

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