Ask Angela: Friend in Need

Have questions? Angela Haupt connects with experts and shares their words of wisdom.

Angela Haupt is a health and wellness editor at TIME. She talks with experts about problems readers are having, then writes articles to share what she learns. Here, she addresses a question about helping someone through a tough time.

I want to help a friend feel better, but I don’t know how. What do I do?

When someone you care about is going through a hard time, you’d do almost anything to help them feel better. Alli Spotts–De Lazzer is a therapist in Tennessee. “We’ll often jump into, ‘How can I fix this? How can I say the right thing?’” she says. “But advice usually lands better after someone feels understood.” Experts say the best thing to do is to first let your friend feel heard. You can offer advice or help later. Try to take these steps.

Help them feel less alone.

People have a need to feel understood. As a first step, sit quietly beside your friend. Just listen. The most helpful responses you can give are often short, and they don’t start with “I.” “That sounds hard.” “That’s a lot.” “That really stinks.” Those sorts of responses, if made sincerely, will let your friend know they don’t have to carry their feelings alone.

You don’t need to fix their problem. You just need to be near them, and let them know you get it. Here’s one phrase Spotts–De Lazzer really likes to use in this situation: “Can I sit with you for a minute, just so you’re not alone?”

Don’t guess what they need.

Not everyone wants the same kind of help. Instead of assuming you know what’s needed, ask. “Start a conversation with, ‘I’m so here for you. What do you need?’” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York. It’s important, and it only takes a few seconds.

Show up for your friend.

Support isn’t just what you say. It can also be what you do. Make your friend a card. Offer to sit with them at lunch. Help them with the task that’s stressing them out, or take something else off their plate. Small, practical gestures can make a situation feel less overwhelming.

Don’t give up.

If both you and your friend are unsure what will help the situation, don’t let that stop you. Reach out to a trusted adult. This might be a parent, a teacher, or a coach. They can help. Don’t do nothing, Spotts–De Lazzer says: “I’d rather get it wrong, but I want to do something.”

If you have a question you’d like Angela to answer, send it to tfkeditors@time.com.