Ask Angela: Left Out

Have questions? Angela Haupt connects with experts and shares their words of wisdom.

Angela Haupt is a health and wellness editor at TIME. She talks with experts about readers’ problems, then writes articles to share what she learns. Here, she addresses a question about feeling left out.

Sometimes, it feels like my friends are leaving me out. What can I do?

Kip Williams is a social psychologist. One day, he was at a park in Des Moines, Iowa. A flying disc landed near him. The guys it belonged to were waiting, so Williams tossed it to them. To his surprise, they threw it back. “Suddenly, I was part of a three-person toss,” he says. “A couple minutes went by, and then, for reasons I still don’t know to this day, they stopped throwing it to me.” Williams recalls feeling awkward and hurt. “They weren’t important to me in my life, but it was a powerful feeling,” he says.

Williams studies social exclusion and rejection. His research suggests that when people feel left out, it negatively affects their mood and mental health. Being excluded by people you consider your close friends hits even harder. Here are some thoughts.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

There are many possible reasons why you’re feeling left out. Distance can play a role. Busy schedules, new responsibilities, and mental health struggles can have an impact. Consider that “the other person or people involved might be going through their own stuff,” says psychologist Gabriella Azzam-Forni.

Consult another friend.

It can be helpful to approach a neutral third party like this: “I’m feeling a little distance from our friends. Are you feeling that too?” If they say yes, it can be reassuring to know you’re not alone. It may make the situation feel less personal and confusing.

Bring it up without blame.

If feeling left out turns into a pattern, it makes sense to approach your friends. Azzam-Forni likes using a low-pressure statement, such as “I’ve been feeling left out lately—can we talk about it?” If you’re not sure what to say, a trusted adult may be able to help you find the right words.

Be kind to yourself.

If your friends still pull away, that’s an answer, even if it’s not the one you wanted. Give yourself time. Letting go of friendships takes patience. Share your feelings with a trusted adult, and focus your energy on friends who are “acknowledging you and respecting you,” Williams says.

If you have a question you’d like Angela to answer, send it to tfkeditors@time.com.