Ask Angela: Friend in Need

Have questions? Angela Haupt connects with experts and shares their words of wisdom.

Angela Haupt is a health and wellness editor at TIME. She talks with experts about problems readers are having. Then she writes about what she learns. Here, she addresses a question about helping someone through a tough time.

I want to help a friend feel better, but I don’t know how. What do I do?

When someone you care about is having a hard time, you’d do almost anything to help them. Alli Spotts–De Lazzer is a therapist in Tennessee. “We’ll often jump into, ‘How can I fix this? How can I say the right thing?’” she says. “But advice usually lands better after someone feels understood.” Try taking these steps.

Help them feel less alone.

As a first step, sit beside your friend. Listen. The most helpful responses you can give are often short. And they don’t start with “I.” “That sounds hard.” “That’s a lot.” “That really stinks.” That sort of response will let your friend know they’re not alone. Say it from the heart.

You don’t need to fix the problem. You just need to let them know you get it. Here’s a phrase Spotts–De Lazzer really likes: “Can I sit with you for a minute, just so you’re not alone?”

Don’t guess what they need.

Not everyone wants the same kind of help. Don’t assume you know what’s needed. Ask. “Start a conversation with, ‘I’m so here for you. What do you need?’” says Melissa Gluck, a psychologist in New York.

Show up for your friend.

Support isn’t just what you say. It can also be what you do. Make your friend a card. Offer to sit with them at lunch. Help them with the task that’s stressing them out. Small gestures can make a situation feel less overwhelming.

Don’t give up.

Are you and your friend unsure what will help? Don’t let that stop you. Reach out to a trusted adult. This might be a parent, a teacher, or a coach. They can help. Don’t do nothing, Spotts–De Lazzer says: “I’d rather get it wrong, but I want to do something.”

If you have a question you’d like Angela to answer, send it to tfkeditors@time.com.