Ask Angela: Left Out

Have questions? Angela Haupt connects with experts and shares their words of wisdom.

Angela Haupt is a health and wellness editor at TIME. She talks with experts about readers’ problems, then writes articles to share what she learns. Here, she addresses a question about feeling left out.

Sometimes, it feels like my friends are leaving me out. What can I do?

Kip Williams is a social psychologist. One day, he was at a park. A flying disc landed near him. The guys it belonged to were waiting. Williams tossed it to them. To his surprise, they threw it back. “Suddenly, I was part of a three-person toss,” he says. “A couple minutes went by, and then, for reasons I still don’t know to this day, they stopped throwing it to me.” Williams felt hurt. “They weren’t important to me in my life, but it was a powerful feeling,” he says.

Williams studies social exclusion. His research suggests that when people feel left out, it negatively affects their mental health. Here are some thoughts.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

There are many possible reasons why you’re feeling left out. Distance, busy schedules, and mental health struggles can all have an impact. Consider that “the other person or people involved might be going through their own stuff,” says psychologist Gabriella Azzam-Forni.

Consult another friend.

It can help to know you’re not alone. Ask someone else: “I’m feeling a little distance from our friends. Are you feeling that too?”

Bring it up without blame.

If feeling left out turns into a pattern, talk to your friends. Azzam-Forni suggests a low-pressure statement, such as “I’ve been feeling left out lately—can we talk about it?” If you’re not sure what to say, ask a trusted adult.

Be kind to yourself.

If your friends still pull away, it’s time to let go. Give yourself time. Letting go takes patience. Share your feelings with a trusted adult, and focus on friends who are “acknowledging you and respecting you,” Williams says.

If you have a question you’d like Angela to answer, send it to tfkeditors@time.com.